|
| Things are tough to deal with, overwhelming, very busy. There is a deep sadness in my soul that I have trouble getting rid of.
Some of it has to do with the disgust I feel about humanity after a shift at work. Especially if it's a shift where the tips were shitty and the people were stupid. Rudeness makes me hate the human race. Yet I'm rushing headlong into a career where I deal with people that are saddled with issues. I guess I don't think I'm going to get burnt out on clinical psychology because I KNOW my clients have issues. And they're paying me regardless.
I still hate my father. He has issues. He needs therapy. Our entire family needs therapy. I see my sister walking down the same path I went down years earlier. I see my father dying alone. I see myself forever trying to soothe my damaged self-esteem by endlessly giving myself in listening to others. I will never get better. I will only claw myself up to a ledge in the abyss where the wind doesn't blow so hard.
My boyfriend is a saving grace right now. He holds me when I cry and tells me all the things that I already tell myself. Hearing my thoughts confirmed helps. It lets me know that I'm very slowly getting back to normalcy. Maybe one day my disorder will be like luggage- tucked away in a closet somewhere, forgotten until I stumble upon it, but easy to dismiss. Joe is moving in in August. I hope this goes better than it did with Josh. All I know is that he says just the right things when they're needed. I don't have to worry about him and other girls, because he's shown that he's more interested in sports than other women. I feel secure.
Speaking of Josh, he's moved out with his crazy new girlfriend. The one that sat outside of our house in her car and texted him that she was fucking her ex-boyfriend at that very moment. Yeah, she's a real winner. The kind of patient that I would refer to someone else. Josh has lost his mind. He's talked trash about Rich and I, just because we told him that we don't like Courtney and her presence in the house makes us uncomfortable. He rages against us that we're trying to keep him from being happy. Fuck that. So, he moved out. I will not try to talk to him again. Shit-talking and then being nice to my face is the same as lying to me. I don't forgive people who lie to me. I mean, not big lies. Little white lies are a different thing entirely, but hiding contempt and belittling me behind my back? Fuck that.
Anyway...tired. It's time to sleep. | | |
| California got in touch with me tonight via World of Warcraft messaging.
I didn't know what to say to him. I feel sad, like I'm looking back on something beautiful that could have been. Like looking at the smoking hole in the ground where a gorgeous house was taking shape.
I spent four months trying to get over him, and had succeeded in only marginally thinking about him once a week or so. Dealt with the nature of my feelings for him and such. Moved on, even, and now dating a great guy who makes me feel like myself, and like a goddess. this is a first time that those two things have coexisted. I do not usually feel beautiful and sexy. The magnitude of trust I have for this new man is certainly helping, though..
I kept it friendly, but was ready to slap down the boundries at any time. I'm all for having friends, but my days of being taken advantage of are over. At least where I can prevent it. | | |
| California got in touch with me tonight via World of Warcraft messaging.
I didn't know what to say to him. I feel sad, like I'm looking back on something beautiful that could have been. Like looking at the smoking hole in the ground where a gorgeous house was taking shape.
I spent four months trying to get over him, and had succeeded in only marginally thinking about him once a week or so. Dealt with the nature of my feelings for him and such. Moved on, even, and now dating a great guy who makes me feel like myself, and like a goddess. this is a first time that those two things have coexisted. I do not usually feel beautiful and sexy. The magnitude of trust I have for this new man is certainly helping, though..
I kept it friendly, but was ready to slap down the boundries at any time. I'm all for having friends, but my days of being taken advantage of are over. At least where I can prevent it. | | |
| This is an old familar rant for me. Richard and I were discussing religion, church services, and the nature of humanity this evening.
I had to pause and think. Then I came to the conclusion that I generally do not like people. It really honestly shocks me when someone turns out to be a decent human being. I realize this is probably because my line of work. Seeing a glut of humanity come through the restaraunt, and seeing them all when they're needing to feed a basic need, I'm bound to see an asshole or two. But I think even more than a percieved status change like waitress/customer, organized religion brings out the worst in people.
I am told that I might classify myself as Agnostic now, since my personal beliefs about religion fall in line with Agnosticism. I say, whatever. The reason I say that organized religion brings out the worst in people is because I can count on my fingers the number of times I've felt I've met true christians. Everyone else- just a bunch of pretenders. People who do their weekly penance for the nastiness they do during the week. People who judge, and condemn, and gossip, and go through their life with a sense of entitlement that is wholly undeserved.
But then, I suppose that church is for the spiritually ill, rather than for the holy. Just like doctors are for the sick, as well as for the healthy. It sounds right that church is where the spiritually weak would go to get mended. However, I don't think church is so much about worship so much as it is a fucking social club nowadays. At least, that's the feeling I've gotten from the churches I've went to. Lutheran, Baptist, AG, (no offense meant, Katie. You're one of the few true ones, IMO) Mormon. They go on for hours about mission trips, class meetings, plans for expansion and remodeling. The message and the discussion gets lost. Hell, the only place I've felt even remotely close to having a spiritual experience was at the Episcopalian and Jewish services. But I wouldn't say I've ever had a spiritual experience at all. I suppose God talks to me in different ways. | | |
| I am so mad right now.
I hate my father. I hate him so much. He mired me in this godamn eating disorder and now he's turned like a pit viper on my sister. He yells and screams at her and tells her that she's worthless and stupid, fat, lazy, whatever hateful shit comes to his mind. There is something in is life that is making him so unhappy right now, and he takes it out on her. He'd take it out on me if I went around to see him, but I never call or come around anymore. There's so much I want to yell back at him.
"Maybe Katie doesn't want to work as a godamn welder for the rest of her life. Maybe she wants to utilize the talents that she has for other things. There are other things to do in life besides fix engines and build shit. Meaningful things. Other things that have value. Just because they don't have value to you doesn't mean they don't have value. You want to know why I never call or come out to visit? Because you're hateful to be around. You're bitter and resentful, you treat Katie and I like shit because we were born girls and have no interest in mechanical things. You're unhappy so you take it out on us. You're unhappy so you want to make us unhappy too. You're a poison to be around. You're going to find yourself alone as your life draws to a close because you've alienated both of your children.
If you didn't want us, you should have worn a fucking condom. Anyway...you're doing a good enough job of getting rid of us as it is. It's natural and respectful for a parent to want their child to succeed, but barring that, you should want your children to be happy. We are not happy. We have not been happy."
I want to scream at him that it was he mainly who put this dormant disorder in me. I want to tell him that he predisposed me to starve myself, and burn myself, and make myself throw up from time to time. I want to tell him that I starve myself on a regular basis and watch it sink in. I want to fucking hurt him as much as he's hurt me and Katie. I want to sink the godamn knife in and twist it. I want to tell him that it was his constant lectures about fat women and how no one wants to be with them, that no one wants to love them, that makes my self-esteem dependant on a scale. I want to tell him that I don't want to be like him, that I don't love him, and that I don't respect him, and were he not my father, I would let him drift out of my life like we let people we hate drift out of our lives if we have a choice. I want to tell him that he's a godamn bully, and that no one likes him because of it.
Why don't I? Because he's bigger and stronger than me, particularly since I exist in a perpetual state of exhaustion from not eating. Even if I were at my full strength, he would still be able to lay me out with a punch. And don't think I put it past him to do it. He's smacked me because I voiced an opinion that frustrated him. He's destroyed things in fits of irritation. He's drowned a bagful of puppies because he didn't want to have to find homes for them- rather than have the fucking momma dog spayed. He's shot the second litter because it's easier for him to kill rather than HAVE THE FUCKING MOTHER DOG SPAYED. Where I might have loved my dad in the past, I have nothing but contempt for my father today.
Godamn him. Godamn him to fucking hell.
He tells her that she's delusional because she wants to do church ministries and stuff for her life's work. He tells her that people like her are the reason that society has fallen so far.
No. No, that's not true. But she's having to fight against believing it because he believes it. He's brainwashing her to hate herself. | | |
|
